There's so many things I want to cover in this post, like why am I finding it so hard to do something that I supposedly love doing? Why can I not find motivation to do it in even if it is seen as a bit of work? Why is reflecting on immortality and it's implications and reflecting that in a game so hard for someone like me to do?
I do love making games. I have a whole list of potential game ideas, and they're not bad. Every time I think of a new one I go through my old ones and usually delete a crappy idea I thought before was good. I guess it's difficult because I have a very common combination of traits; I'm optimistic yet lazy. I have to face the fact that rather than simply drafting some ideas for even an hour I ended up going on a FIFA 12 rampage, watched episodes on Disney I'd already seen, played more FIFA then watched 2 entire movies back to back. I might have mentioned before how I daydream and fantasise about standing in front of a huge audience, holding an award for Eternality and knowing that I made it, my position was secure and that people appreciated me. It's hard to work because I've already felt that rush of excitement just imagining it (no innuendo there by the way) and what come after that? A wave of disappointment, this is life, not a movie. And I know that people in movies say that but no, that's a phrase for real life. Those kind of movies are made to make us forget that real life requires more than a montage of effort, it requires real hard pain and sacrifice. It's the reward at the end, the trophies, fame and satisfaction that is meant to pull you through that difficulty. But if you've already felt it then where's the will to succeed?
Here's a short story; once I was at a school award evening and I had won an award for something academically challenging. it wasn't something like OMG AMAZEBALLS but (lol I'm finding it hard to describe) it was just difficult enough to be worth it. There are also a bunch of other students who won awards, for academical reasons and sporty achievements. But one person, a guy who in school acted like a real douche, won an award for (this is not the exact name for the award by the way) being brave when moving from his country to here and handling it all well and stuff... I was definitely annoyed and made my point very clear to my parents, who seemed to be on his side...
I mean I guess the point of the story is that people put in effort in different ways, I did it academically, he did it emotionally. To be honest I had forgot about the awards until I got one. So that shows how much effort I put in. I just felt robbed because he was given so much praise and he didn't deserve it, sure he like went across the globe single handed at such a young age surviving and stuff. Maybe I was jealous? It was all to long ago, I can't remember my feeling too accurately.
What's weird as well is that I always dream of people reading my blog and playing my games, but now there is actually a chance someone might read this, and because I know them personally it kind of put me off blogging. But now I've been thinking, if I can't handle someone I know reading my blog, then how can I be comfortable with strangers, potentially cruel strangers, reading it and spoiling it with harsh comments. It's always easy to look at famous people and be like "your worried about haters? I wouldn't worry about anything on top of your piles of money/massive good fanbase" although I don't have that yet. Will I even get that? If my first game or even the first impression of myself I give is bad then how will anyone ever like me ever again?
All is not lost though, I do tend to have really depressing phases, I start thinking about abandoning Eternality and starting something else, or just waiting till University starts and ends and then make games. Oh that's another thing, I got into university... Now I can't even play the "I wasn't good at anything, but my passion for gaming shone through and saved my butt" card because I'm successful. I have no emotionally scarring backstory driving me, well except for the usual things like minor anorexia, bullying problems and that kinda stuff. Well I guess you could count the fact that I hate that I never have anything to complain about, but then I sound like a stupid twat. That's a different rant altogether, how I want something to go wrong or be wrong so I can have people show me sympathy... Yeah I'm kinda messed up like that. Hm I shouldn't be talking about this so calmly, is this calm? What's going on?
Where was I? Oh yeah the bright side of the silver lining! I am not a giver upper! I am not only succeeding for my sake, but for the sake of everyone who thinks they can't make it, who thinks they are never going to be something, who thinks there are such a things as 'dream jobs', who thinks it's 'too late'... I'm here to prove that with a will to learn, effort and passion, everyone is capable of doing what they want to do most.
And that my peeps, is the end of this level. If anyone is reading this, follow me on twitter @Originalhussain for game and life updates. I'm really glad I'm writing this, I hope it helps either just me for motivation, or one person to follow their dreams. It's weird, random and probably doesn't make a lot of sense, but I'm working on it. Just like how I'm working on how to make an outtro that doesn't take a million years. See you peeps next level!